i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
