theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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