Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
