My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
