my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
