I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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