It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
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picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
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Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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