I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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