it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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