I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
