i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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