I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
