Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
