If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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