that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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