I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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