I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
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When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
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This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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