Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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