Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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