He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
