Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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