Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
