that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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