if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The uberlube is also flammable
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
