just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
