why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
