yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
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Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
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When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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