I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
