the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
