i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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