Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
