i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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