1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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