I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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