i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
