How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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