Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
