I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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