hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Sponge bath it is.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
