um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
