You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
