She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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