My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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