shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
