sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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