I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Please, let me fuck your mom
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
