you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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