so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
