i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
