I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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