My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.