I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.