im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.